New Year, Same God; A White-knuckle Faith

January 2024

Photo: Laura Allen on Unsplash

Friends, Happy New Year and feast of the Epiphany! I wanted to catch you up on a couple things as last I left you we were 2/3 of the way through my first Advent Mini-series. Sadly as my second email hit your inboxes I was struggling with a particularly nasty cold that lingered for 4 days. Being sick is really the worst, and then while on the mend we began packing for our trip to see family for Christmas. So first I want to apologize that the 3rd email never materialized but I trust you understand that life happens despite our best intentions. I’ve also now come down with a second cold, two days before this email is set to arrive in your inbox. So I’ll be keeping some of my reflections shorter but hopefully just as meaningful.

Secondly, there is a new section in this email, a Substack roundup of some of my favorite articles. It will be short to start out because I’m still catching up on some great works, but it will grow as the months come. I encourage you to read these amazing voices, and spend a little time in this space, and maybe even give them a follow or subscribe.

As always I am so deeply appreciative of you, my readers, who show up here - thank you for your patience and for taking the time to read what I write!

New Year, Same God

January, a month of new beginnings, of renewed efforts, of refocused attentions. It is a point in time to restart, to become, to transform. We tell ourselves that we will become something better, something more, something other than we are right now to fulfill this deep desire to elevate ourselves. We resolve that this is the year we will achieve whatever has been beyond our grasp, and maybe we will. I know I certainly hope we will.

This desire deep within is nothing new, it speaks to our hearts in not so quiet words - it speaks of the Incarnation, the Word made Flesh. This act of divine condescension elevating us to the divine, to God. It is imprinted upon our very hearts and souls. We were made for this act of Love and feel it buried within, whether we recognize it as such or not. It’s why every year we find ourselves yearning to be more, to aspire to more, to grow, to shift, to improve, to become, to rise up. Our souls hear this ancient whisper that we are to be more than we are right now. This call, this ache, this desire to reach beyond our own grasp into the eternal is as old as the Fall of Man itself.

And perhaps to our surprise we find that someone is stooping down to us, encouraging us, guiding us, urging us softly to grow, to pray, to be at peace, to trust - to become.

As this new year begins we hold in our hands all the possibility and hope a year could hold. We make plans, we strive, we set goals and set out on this new journey into an unknown year. It’s in these moments that I try to take a impregnated pause before rushing headlong into schedules, appointments, personal goals, and so much else that life demands. On this precipice of the new, I try to pause long enough to behold the work the Lord has been doing in my life and where He might be calling me to for the coming year.

I invite you to take a long pause before we enter further into this new year, to ask God what He has in mind for you, how He wants to move in the dreams He’s placed upon your heart, the talents He’s bestowed upon you, the desires He’s given you. In what ways is this ancient call moving you to become?

3 ways I Invite God into my New Year Plans:

1. Acknowledge God - First I acknowledge that He is the source of my desires and my abilities. Then I ask Him to help me see where He wants me to go, and what He wants me to do. It may not be clear at first but rarely, over time, does it remain unclear how God wants us to move and act upon what He has given us as long as we take the time to listen. I’m still praying and asking Him about 2024 while processing 2023, and in some ways even 2022 as well. The reality is God plays the long game and we so badly want clarity and actionable guidance right now. We must be willing to wait on the Lord, and use well the time the Church has set aside liturgically for us, so we might pause long enough to hear Him.

2. Discernment - Here is where I spend a lot of prayer time with the Lord, asking His guidance, seeking His wisdom and counsel. Reading scripture is also a great way to make sure you’re actually following the Lord and not yourself, or something else. Remember, discernment is also ongoing, it never quite ceases, so be attentive to the fruits of your decisions. Some verses I really like: Proverbs 19:21, Proverbs 3:5-6, Psalms 25:4-5

3. Trust - Once you’ve decided on your plans or God has directed you in some way, you have to decide to trust Him. Easier said than done, yes, but all the same we have to make a choice. God is who He is, but us choosing to trust that, well that’s when something truly beautiful happens.

White-knuckle Faith

Shortly after we moved to our new home in Upstate SC in January 2023, I fell into a slump, whether it was having to start over yet again, or my yet to be fully realized health issues, I don’t know. What I do know is that finding God in my everyday life became more of a grind than I ever expected. As He asked me to surrender yet even more of what I thought I knew of my life and self, I struggled to dive into deep prayer.

I struggled to find Him. Where did He go when I needed His comfort and care? Why was He suddenly so silent?

What I found myself with is something many have shared with me about their faith journeys - a white-knuckle faith.

We know God is present, we know He promised to be, and for many it appears that He really is every single day, but for us, for some reason, He is painfully silent, coldly distant, or so it seems. It doesn’t feel like He is with us.

I drudged through the first half of 2023, praying but feeling heavy, seeking but not really being found, offering up my self, my talents, my ability only to be met with nothing - silence. In the second half, I felt like I put God on the backburner, intentionally or not when my health became the main focus - a new radical diet, new diagnosis, new concerns. I no longer had the energy to pray, the brain fog and exhaustion were real struggles. I found myself in a familiar and not entirely unwelcome place - the desert.

As Catholics we often immediately think of Lent¹ when a spiritual desert is mentioned. A place where we remove ourselves from worldly things, attacking sin with one of the best tools we have at our disposal, fasting and abstaining. Yet a desert can be a type of reprieve², a place we go to discipline ourselves, to regroup, strengthen our spiritual well being, and to rest from worldly distractions. A place where we find ourselves leaning fully on God in all His strength, His Mercy and His Love because that is all we have. Sometimes we willingly enter this desert and other times God gently but firmly puts us there for our own good. By mid-2023 I realized I found myself in this desert of faith, not entirely willingly. Truly though it’s only been upon further reflection, and prayer that it became clear why. He was calling me into something more, something deeper, something restorative, something that will strengthen and heal. I needed to learn how to truly trust that - to trust Him.

It’s much like a parent with a newly toddling babe who at some point must let go of their hands to see if their baby can walk. Never very far away, and always ready to catch them, innately parents know that their child’s legs will never get stronger if they hold them the whole while. Similarly, God must at some point let go of our hands, be silent, yet never very far away us, so that the roots of our faith have no choice but to grow towards deeper water. So that we might not wither but expand, that the fruits of our faith might be rich and succulent.

I can’t say yet exactly what God is doing in my life, and I may never fully know, but in the last two weeks I’ve emerged from this desert with something I didn’t have before - confidence. Confidence that the Lord is who He says He is, that when He says He will move that is what will happen and my job isn’t to worry about the when, the where, the how but to trust. To keep seeking Him daily no matter what and to let Him work in me how He deems to.

Maybe you’ve been wandering in the desert, maybe you’re experiencing a white-knuckled faith barely hanging on, maybe you see people on social media and around you seemingly a-glow in God’s presence feeling forgotten somehow in the struggle to keep your faith, to feel God near.

Friends, God hasn’t abandoned you or me to a life of drudgery, where each day we seek Him and He hides Himself. What if instead of seeing this spiritual desert, this white knuckled faith, as failure or abandonment we saw this as God lovingly stretching us, gently bending us, firmly molding us, and softly encouraging us to be uncomfortable long enough to truly grow. To grow, to trust, and to become who He has called us to be.

I hope as we start out this new year we make the radical choice to be confident in the Lord and to see the uncomfortable, the grind, the struggle as something more. That we see God taking the time to work in us, to help us grow, to prune us, and to coax our roots of faith to dig deep for waters that quench all thirst.

We’re wrapping up the 12 days of Christmas in this house with the Epiphany. Of course there may be many of you who still celebrate all the way to Candlemas (Feb. 2nd)! I’m also sick with another cold, so my meals are going to be examples this week. Reality dictates a bit of take-out and simple meals, such as a chicken soup.

Sunday (Epiphany): Chicken and potato soup - Thaw some chicken breast (2-3 for our family of 5) or use about half of a rotisserie chicken. In the pot, med-high heat, place chopped onions and oil (I use olive oil). Cook until onions are translucent. Add garlic, and cook for 2-3 minutes, any more and things start to burn! Add 4-6 cups of Chicken broth, I generally pull ours from the freezer in these 32oz containers. Add 4-6 chopped potatoes,3 carrots, 2-3 stalks of celery. I also add my seasoning here, salt, pepper and Italian seasoning. Let simmer for an hour or until potatoes are soft. In an ideal world there would be sourdough bread with this meal. If you can do it, I say go for it!

Monday: Leftovers, feed sourdough starter and prep dough for overnight rise

Tuesday: Tacos! Pull Ground beef out of the freezer (1-2 lbs for today, 1-2 left in fridge for spaghetti tomorrow) and let thaw on the counter. Chop onions, and garlic. Place in hot skillet, with small amount of oil. Cook until translucent. Add ground beef and taco seasoning. Cook until brown. While meat is cooking, chop avocado, onion, jalapeños, tomatoes. Pull cheese and sour cream out. Corn and flour tortillas warmed up. Enjoy!

Wednesday: Spaghetti is on the menu. I don’t think we’ve had spaghetti in forever in this house! Learning what I can and can’t eat has lead to some interesting menus here but we all love spaghetti. Pull that 1-2 lbs of meat from the fridge and chop garlic and onions. Place them in a hot sauce pan, then add the meat once they are translucent. Once meat is brown all the way add your tomato sauce. I have used store bought but it can be very salty so I use canned tomato sauce, and add in my own seasoning. I like a fresh salad with my spaghetti so I make this while the meat sauce is simmering. Make the noodles about 30 minutes before you’re ready to serve dinner.

Thursday: Left overs - one of my favorite ways to use up meat meals before Friday!

Friday : Meatless meals on Fridays in this house. I’ll be using some frozen shrimp we need to use up. I like a good garlic honey shrimp and I’ve been trying to locate the recipe I’ve used in the past. This one seems to be the one or is very close to it. Super simple which is what I’m all about for dinner!

Saturday: Leftovers again because I am all about finding rest, especially after being sick and the first week of our co-op meeting up again!

Little Mustard Seeds

Each newsletter I like to share a few favorite things that have blessed me as a mom, homemaker, and woman. The links in this newsletter are unaffiliated unless I say it’s an affiliate link.

1. Bluetooth earbuds - A couple years ago I was gifted some airpods and they have been such a blessing in my life. I can listen to Bible in a Year while washing Dishes, or my favorite podcasts. It allows me to stay (mostly) caught up while still keeping the house somewhat put together.

2. Jack Black Intense Lip Balm - I started using this lip balm about 4 years ago after burning through Burts Bees like it was nothing and my lips would be chapped again after an hour or so. My lips have never felt more moisturized, and soothed since I started using this brand. It feels like the moisture actually soaks in, and then is locked in for hours. Game changer! I also find I don’t have to apply it but a handful of times a day at most. Sometimes it’s the little things that make life more enjoyable.

3. Bible in a Year Podcast - I first went through the BIAY in 2020 and it was life changing, then I did it again in 2021. I took a break to attempt Catechism in a year but 2023 turned out not to be the year to do this (a move + illness = little brain power left). This year however I am back at it and want to invite you to join in! If you’ve always wanted to read the bible cover to cover but felt intimidated this is definitely a great option. Fr. Mike’s approachable personality combined with great humor really helps keep the BIAY flowing, and the explanations that follow scripture are truly incredible, eye opening and so informative. I listen to it on apple podcast but you can listen to it anywhere podcasts are played.

Prayer Habit

“Prayer is the oxygen of the soul” - Padre Pio

If you’re up for the challenge I’d like to encourage you to pray a specific kind of prayer in each newsletter. I hope the fruits borne of this habit bless you!

I first prayed the Litany of Humility about a year ago or so, and was shocked by it. It hit all the tender points of pride that I struggle with and opened my eyes and heart to the beauty of humility as God calls us to. I hope this prayer speaks to you and changes you in the most amazing and profound ways.

The Litany of Humility

as shared on Hallow

1. Make the Sign of the Cross.

   In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

2. Call on Jesus to hear your petitions.

   O Jesus! Meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

3. Ask Jesus to deliver you from the desire for people to see you in a particular way or light. After each petition, respond with, “Deliver me, Jesus.”

   From the desire of being esteemed, 
   From the desire of being loved,
   From the desire of being extolled,
   From the desire of being honored,
   From the desire of being praised,
   From the desire of being preferred to others,
   From the desire of being consulted,
   From the desire of being approved,

4. Ask Jesus to deliver you from the fears that prevent you from living life with compassion for God, others, and yourself. After each petition, respond with “Deliver me, Jesus.”

   From the fear of being humiliated,
   From the fear of being despised,
   From the fear of suffering rebukes,
   From the fear of being calumniated,
   From the fear of being forgotten,
   From the fear of being ridiculed,
   From the fear of being wronged,
   From the fear of being suspected,

5. Ask Jesus to guide you toward loving your neighbors before yourself. Respond with, “Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.”

   That others may be loved more than I,
   That others may be esteemed more than I, 
   That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, 
   That others may be chosen and I set aside,
   That others may be praised and I unnoticed,
   That others may be preferred to me in everything,
   That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should,

6. Conclude with the Sign of the Cross.

   In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. 

Around Substack

Welcome to my Substack round up of voices, words and thoughts that are forming, molding and encouraging readers to think about the world in which we live. For this newsletter I’m going to share my favorite three, but one is actually a compilation of many so you’re getting a good bargain this time!

1. Peco and Ruth Gavskovski:

   Sowing Anachronism: How to be Weird in Public, and Private

2. Tsh Oxenreider:

   5 Quick Things #313 ✨

3. Kristin, Sara and Dixie:

   Vol. 1, Issue 3: Epiphany and Christmastide

1. Bonagura, David G. “Lent: Into the Desert.” The Catholic Thing, 24 July 2015, www.thecatholicthing.org/2013/02/13/lent-into-the-desert/.

2. Olson, Carl E. “The Mystery of God and the Lessons of the Desert.” Catholic World Report, 23 Mar. 2019, www.catholicworldreport.com/2019/03/23/the-mystery-of-god-and-the-lessons-of-the-desert/.